#  529  12/14/09  When “outsiders” enter your child’s world

Wouldn’t life be simple if we could keep our children insulated so they only experienced our family culture and the culture we create among friends of our choosing? 
Instead, we must teach our children to be discerning in their choice of friends and values.  We must prepare for the time when our child begins to associate with someone who has very different behavior and values.  The child may come from the neighborhood, your daughter’s soccer team or your son’s class.  No matter where they meet, a friendship begins.  Your daughter may even have a romantic interest in a young man whose values make your blood run ice cold.

The “open house” rule becomes important.  These young people may be annoying, immoral, scary or just plain obnoxious, but you must open your doors to them.  Welcome them into your home to work on projects, shoot baskets, watch movies (only movies that meet your standards), just hang out and, yes, stay for meals.  An important guideline is always that bedroom doors stay open. 
A strange thing happens when the “outsider” comes into your home.  He may look really good out among his friends, but inside your home, his faults are like flashing red lights.  Your child switches to an observation mode in which he views his or her friend through your eyes.  I have seen this happen countless times, and it has the desired results if you handle the situation correctly.

That is a big “if.”  It only works if you do not evaluate or criticize the child’s behavior.  When the behavior obviously crosses the line of what is allowed in your home, you gently tell the child, “We don’t use those words in our home” or “That’s not acceptable behavior in our family.”  After you have made the reprimand, say something to let him know you are not rejecting him personally: “Now, let’s get back to the movie” or “You guys need some more chips?”

You may not want these children in your home, but welcoming them is a surefire way to have some control over who your children choose for friends.  Next week, I will write about the all-important conversation after the child goes home.