# 202 09/08/03 Discipline is needed in new families also

A very normal response of parents in new family structures is to relax discipline. Parents respond in this manner because they feel sorry for the children. They recognize that the change is difficult, and they decide to make life better by going easy on discipline. This is the very worst way to react to the situation!

Children need and feel secure within boundaries. At a time in their lives when they are feeling insecure because of tumultuous change, it is very important to give them the solid security of discipline. Discipline does two things for children. First, it assures them that parents love them enough to make the effort to discipline. Second, it lets them know their boundaries so they do not have to spend time discovering the boundaries through misbehavior.

A wise parent looks to God’s Word for guidance in child-rearing practices. The manner in which God “parents” us provides a model toward which we can strive. In Hebrews 12:5-6, we read, “And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: ‘My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.’”

For the child who finds himself in a new family structure (single-parent, foster or adoptive situation), discipline says, “I love you.” It also says to a foster or adopted child, “I accept you as a son (or daughter).” Of course, it is the nature of children to protest loudly when disciplined. Parents need to understand this fact and prepare themselves to ignore the protests.

If there were already children before new children joined the family, it is imperative that they all be disciplined equally. It might be tempting to say, "Since this child came from a terrible family situation, we need to let him have it easy for awhile.” Not only will that create insecurity for the child; it will make the other children hate him. Creating family harmony will be very difficult unless children are treated fairly.

As tempting as it might be to neglect discipline with one of these children, remember that discipline gives him something he desperately needs - love and assurance that you accept him as your child. This is a necessary foundation on which to build a future for the family.