# 128 04/08/02 A simple fact: Power struggles never work

Power struggles never work. Even the person that wins the power struggle loses. I have watched parents and teachers allow themselves to be drawn into power struggles. And, yes, I have gotten into power struggles. It never works.

When a child is being defiant, the worst thing that a person in authority can do is to get on the same level as the child to see who can win. There is something in our nature (pride?) that whispers in our ear, “Don’t back down.” If we as adults use our position of authority to force submission after we are in a “stand off” with a child, the child becomes angry and resentful. The last thing that he wants is to be cooperative the next time that we ask him to do something.

In the classroom, I always tried to give a child the opportunity to “save face” in the presence of his peers. For that reason, I usually said very courteously, “Jim, let’s talk privately in the hallway for a moment.” That gave Jim the opportunity to tell about the incident in anyway that he chose. It allowed me to make my request of him privately. There was no need for him to flex his defiance muscles in front of his peers.

I also turned and walked into the hallway as if there were no question that he would follow me. Had I stood over him with one of my “looks,” he might have chosen to stay in his seat to save face. We should expect a child to obey our commands until he proves us wrong.

The same technique applies to a small child who is being told to return to timeout. We must give instructions as if we expect obedience: “Jill, you need to return to timeout until the timer rings. I am going back to the kitchen while you do that.” Even small children can sense that they are being trusted to obey rather than forced to obey.

In all the stories of God giving instructions to his children, I could find no incidence of his standing over them, watching to see that they were obedient. He gave the instructions and left the scene. Sometimes the children were obedient (Abraham taking Isaac to be sacrificed) and sometimes they were disobedient (Adam and Eve in the Garden), but they had a choice. If God who is all-powerful does not engage in power struggles, we as earthly parents should avoid them as well.