# 132 05/06/02 Teenagers have ability to vent their feelings

I really admire teens for their ability to grieve well. Some of the words used to describe how teens grieve are shock, anxiety, distress, anger and aggression. Teens have a remarkable ability to vent their feelings unless someone tells them that they should do otherwise.

When I was a high school counselor, there were times when a student or a family member of a student died. The death affected all the friends of the deceased or of the bereaved. There have been many times that I had an office full of sobbing boys and girls. They hugged, wailed, blew their noses, wiped tears on each other’s shoulders and used many boxes of tissues. They said things that adults were too cautious to say.

I have observed that when a group of teens grieve together, they recover more quickly than when they grieve alone or with only adults. When I talk to teens following the death of a parent or sibling, they tell me that their greatest comfort comes from their peers. That is probably because they are able to grieve in the same manner.

We would be wise to learn some lessons about grieving from our teenagers. They grieve in the presence of friends. They talk about the death, the deceased and how the death affects them. They are not ashamed to cry. They don’t even mind if their crying gets messy. They talk about their faith. Mostly, they hug each other.

The worst response that a teen or anyone can have to death is withdrawal. If he grieves alone, he may not completely heal from the loss.

If you are the parent of a grieving teen, be receptive to his need to grieve openly. Let him see you cry. Cry with him. Be willing to discuss any subject that he wants to discuss. Allow him to spend time with his friends. Hug him as often as possible. Continue to check with him in the coming months to see if he has any new concerns that he would like to discuss.

Teens have the ability to grieve well as long as the adults in their lives will allow them that freedom.